Assalamu’alaykum Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuh,

Minggu ini, kami dari DKA ingin berbagi beberapa pendapat dari para expert dengan tema tips-tips bagaimana kita mendisiplinkan anak.  Apakah cara old-fashioned discipline dg memukul, grounding, dan berteriak  ini masih bisa dihandalkan dikalangan orang tua sekarang?  Semoga kita dapat mengambil manfaat dan pengetahuan dari artikel dibawah ini.

Spanking, grounding, and yelling: Does old-fashioned discipline work?

by Sarah Henry

Highlights

Spanking
Losing privileges
Time-outs
Grounding
Yelling
Forcing an apology
Put-downs

Your kid mouths off for the umpteenth time, and you've had it. Gone are your lofty notions of teachable moments. You yell, "Go to your room!" Moments later, as the words echo in your ear, you realize with a shock: I've become my mother.

You're not alone. The knee-jerk reaction when our kids misbehave is often to do exactly what we got as kids. The question is, do these old-school discipline tools stand the test of time?

We turned to a panel of experts to find out which are worth keeping in the discipline tool kit and which should be tossed in the trash.

Spanking

A typical comment: "I was spanked when I deserved it. I think it kept me in line, and I spank my 2-year-old, too." Many parents say they only hit their child for downright dangerous behavior, like when a toddler runs into the street.

Some parents say a swat on the bottom is an effective discipline tool when all else fails — others call it child abuse. "I remember what I was wearing, how much she hit me, how I resisted, and the crying, pain, anger, and fear," writes one mom. "I do not remember the lesson or the deed."

What the experts say...

Toss it Spanking mostly shows that when you're bigger than someone it's okay to hit to show your anger or to hit to get your own way. The hurt, not the learning opportunity, becomes the message.

There are three good alternatives: isolation (like a time-out), deprivation (taking away a privilege), and reparation (where a child works to right a wrong before doing anything else). The goal is to get your child to think twice before making the same mistake.
— Carl Pickhardt, The Everything Parent's Guide to Positive Discipline

Toss it Spanking is a temporary solution that does more harm than good. It "works" because it's external control over a child, but it doesn't promote internal decision-making. It simply teaches children to behave — or else. Spanking causes many children to focus on the punishment rather than on their poor decision.

Spanking also has side effects. It's embarrassing, and that causes children to get angry or think about retaliation. Children who are frequently hit feel insecure. Many have poor self-esteem. Some withdraw. Others become excitable, overactive, and aggressive.
— Sal Severe, How to Behave So Your Children Will, Too!

Toss it How are we going to teach our children it's not okay to hurt others when we keep hurting them? For 2- to 4-year-olds, lots of supervision along with distraction and redirection are better tools. All the spanking in the world won't teach a child it isn't safe to run into a busy street until he's developmentally ready to learn that lesson.

Some children will push and push until they get a spanking and then settle down. They've been conditioned not to settle down or cooperate until they're spanked. Instead, try holding a disobedient child firmly on your lap. No matter how much she struggles, don't let go until she calms down or agrees to cooperate.
— Jane Nelsen, the Positive Discipline series

Losing privileges

Taking away something fun is a widely used tool for today's parents, many of whom picked up the habit from their own parents. "When I was naughty, my parents were quick to take away TV time or outings with friends," says one mom, who now does the same with her own son. "He loses screen time, ice cream, or sleepovers for repeated misbehavior. But I often think he just gets mad, and I wonder if he really learns anything from the experience."

For today's parents, the idea of redemption plays an important role. "I almost always give my children the opportunity to earn back a privilege easily and quickly if they acknowledge their error," says another mom of three.

What the experts say...

Keep it Revoking privileges is helpful when used sparingly. Choose a restriction that's easy to enforce — like taking toys away or sending your child to bed early — so you follow through. Pick a restriction that impacts the offender and no one else. Don't punish yourself!

Tell your child why you're taking something away, and choose a punishment that fits the crime: If your child turns on the TV after you tell him not to, unplug it for the night.

A common mistake is taking away privileges for too long. A week or two can feel like forever to a child. And it can backfire: Kids can get angry and resentful, seek revenge, and a cycle of retaliation begins. Remember: You want to encourage your child to do better next time. The best way is with positive reinforcement. "Great job, you finished all your chores. Now you can play outside until dinner."
—Sal Severe

Keep it Removing privileges is an appropriate consequence for repeatedoffenses, so long as it's something your child really cares about. Otherwise, it's fruitless. Make sure to choose something you have control over — watching TV, playing video games, or riding a bike. Avoid choosing something where your child's absence negatively affects others, such as soccer practice or a band performance.
— Michele Borba, No More Misbehavin'

Toss it Punishment just invites defiance, rebellion, or low self-esteem. If your child breaks something during a tantrum, you could take TV away for a week. But that won't teach him anything.

Instead, find a way for him to replace or repair the item. That might mean earning the money — even small children can do simple chores — or taking the money out of his piggy bank or allowance. Or perhaps he can sit with you and glue the item back together. This and many other nonpunitive methods are respectful and teach a child important life skills.
— Jane Nelsen

Time-outs

Our parents may not have called it a time-out, but make no mistake, they used it. Does "Go to your room" ring a bell? The time-out continues to be a favorite for parents of 2-year-olds, 3- to 4-year-olds, kindergartners, and grade-schoolers. (Parents of younger children may discover the technique doesn't work well yet.)

But not all time-outs are created equal. Some readers report using gentler methods than their parents did. "I was locked in my room fairly often and pounded on the door for attention. I didn't find that particularly educational," says one mom.

Another says, "After a warning, my son is put on the bottom step and is told why he's in time-out. The idea is for him to think about the choice he made. When it's over, we discuss why he was put in time-out and what he could do differently."

What the experts say...

Keep it Time-outs are effective if the child calms down, then thinks and talks about what happened and what he could do differently from now on. The purpose of isolation is not to ostracize or reject a child but to separate him from a problem situation.
— Carl Pickhardt

Keep it Time-outs are appropriate when a child is immediately removed for misbehavior and asked to sit alone quietly to think about her actions. It can be very effective at helping aggressive kids calm down.

One caveat: Time-outs should be customized to the age and temperament of your child and the severity of the misbehavior. The simplest rule for kids 3 to 7: Time-out is one minute for each year of the child's age. Set a timer so the child knows how long she's expected to remain.

To be effective, you must teach a replacement behavior. After the time-out, ask your kid to draw or write what she did wrong — or simply talk it out, asking her, "What will you do next time?" Older kids can make a statement of intent — a drawing, sentence, or a few lines explaining how they plan to change their behavior.
— Michele Borba

Keep it Time-out is recommended when the purpose is positive: To give a child a chance to take a break for a short time and try again as soon as he feels better. This cooling-off period allows a child to "do" better because it gives him a chance to "feel" better. Since the term time-out has so many negative associations, you might ask your child to rename it, something like cooling-off spot or feel-good place.

For very young children, try taking a time-out together in a place that encourages calm and quiet. It may include cushions, a favorite stuffy, or a book to read.
— Jane Nelsen